OSU, Roommates and Tear Gas;

Where:

The Ohio State University

The Ohio State University in the early 80’s was still a sprawling metropolis.  It’s currently the third largest university in the U.S. (I believe its main campus may actually be the largest single campus with an undergrad population of around 50,000).

The Castle - West 10^th and Highland

At the time of this story I actually lived off campus in an apartment with five other guys.  Don, Fred, Mike, Wags and Mike no 2 (aka The Wheel).  We lived in a sprawling former, turn of the century, boarding house which had been divided into four apartments.  Each apartment had three upper floors along with a basement.  The corner apartments actually had tower like structures which gave it its nickname, The Castle.

Don and Fred were the ring leaders at the Castle.  Don was the brains and Fred was the muscle.

The Wheel also figures prominently in this story so I’ll give a little background.  Wheel had already graduated once from OSU with a degree in Arabic studies through the Army ROTC program.  However, pre-911, finding a job with an Arabic degree was a wee bit difficult.  So he was back working on an engineering degree while also employed as a Lieutenant in the Army Reserve.  In his reservist role, he worked as the base supply officer.  In that capacity he’d been given permission/designated to use or dispose of as he saw fit various small items which were expired or no longer of use.  Such as out dated/expired C-Rations and other perishable things.  Some of this stuff, like the C-rats wound up in our basement.  Every now and then, when the Wheel was short on money, he’d bring up an expired C-rat and have it for dinner.  It was kind of like playing Russian roulette with botchalism but if you were hungry…  If you ever find old C-rats the chicken ala king is pretty good but steer clear of the pork patty.

A little dorm history is also appropriate to the story:

Morrill Tower

I started off in Morril Tower at OSU.  Morril Tower was 23 stories of disaster.  When I moved in my Freshmen year, the 1st floor was maintenance, the 2nd floor was the dining hall, the third floor was administrative offices and floors 4 through 23 were student living spaces.  That’s right, 19 floors of first quarter freshmen students all stacked on top of each other.  And it gets worse.

Each floor consisted of four suites.  Each suite held 8 students in four tiny cubicles off of the main (windowless) lounge area.  Two students per cubicle.  There was a common bathroom for each suite and each floor had a laundry room.  (a little known fact, Jeffrey Dahmer, the serial killing cannibal, actually resided in Morrill Tower for a brief time)

And it gets worse.

This meant there were 32 students per floor in very tight spaces.  But to make it even more of a zoo, a large number of the floors were co-ed.  Yah, 16 first quarter freshmen guys jammed in like sardines next to 16 first quarter freshmen girls.  The place was a ZOO.  Its nickname was Immoral Tower.  I’d have loved to have sat in on the planning committee meeting where they decided 32 students per floor was a good idea.   (I think Jimmy Page and Keith Richards were the planning chairmen)  There was also an identical tower next to Morrill called Lincoln.  Together the two were usually referred to as Sodom and Gomorrah.  In the 90’s, they cut back the occupancy to four students per suite reducing the population (and madness) by half.

On any given Sunday morning, after a weekend of student partying, you could find smashed lounge furniture in the elevators and/or fresh blood stains on the elevator floor.  On one occasion, one of my suite mates opened the elevator to find a student tied to a chair, covered in shaving cream, with every button on the elevator pushed.  On various occasion in Morrill Tower I witnessed: a guy who would drink his beers by biting the can in half, usually lacerating his lips; a guy who could put his glasses on the tip of his nose then push them back into place with his tongue; a suite which decorated one entire wall from floor to ceiling in beer cans (some of them not quite empty – which then stunk to high heaven) and various other acts of idiocy.

I transferred out at my earliest opportunity.

Steeb Hall

I moved from Morrill Tower to Steeb hall on South Campus.  An older but much roomier, less crowded building.  Unfortunately my two roommates were:  A kid whose stated goal was to offend every single person on campus before he graduated, and he gave it the proverbial college try; and a French exchange student who lived up to the haughty French stereotype.

I transferred to off-campus housing at my earliest opportunity.

Before I’d moved to Steeb, I’d started working at the OSU Faculty Club.  A members’ only club/restaurant for Faculty located on the Oval in the center of campus.  All the waiters, waitresses, busboys and expediters were OSU students.  It was a great place to work.  Like a giant co-ed fraternity.  It was at the faculty club where I met Don and Fred and they asked me to move in with them at the Castle.  I jumped at the opportunity.

The Event:

Which brings us to our story. 

First let me say that even though I served five years in the Navy’s 7^th Fleet and have spent over 15 years in law enforcement dealing with cops of every variety, Don and Fred are hands down the craziest, non-committed or incarcerated individuals I’ve ever come across.  Amazingly, both are highly successful professionals in the business world.  But you spend time with them at your own risk.

The typical weekend at the Castle consisted of the three ‘B’s, Books, Basketball and Beer.  Not necessarily in that order.  Also, it was tradition that every weekend we gathered up the gang, frequented establishments along High Street and attempted to meet co-eds (sadly, our attempts to meet co-eds almost always ended in failure).

 Which gave rise to the relevant scenario.

Mike no-2, The Wheel, had an engineering exam on Monday morning.  He therefore refused to come out with the gang on Saturday night for the usual escapades.  This was unacceptable, especially for Don and Fred.  So they came up with a plan.

One of them distracted the Wheel while the other took his engineering books.  They then knocked a slot sized hole in the drywall on the first floor, near the ceiling and stuffed his books back behind the drywall.  The Wheel was furious but couldn’t figure out a way to get his books back which didn’t involve major destruction of the apartment.  He reluctantly went out with the gang.

Sunday morning rolled around and as usual we started getting prepared for the school week.  It was a gorgeous day with blue sky and warm temps.  I remember sitting at my desk with my books (I don’t recall what subject) studying for an exam of some sort.  I was in my room on the second floor, head in my books when I started to feel not quite right…

My eyes started itching a little, then my nose started to itch.  I began sneezing and thought ‘man, am I catching a cold?’  But I shook it off and kept at the books.  For about 30 more seconds.

Because after 30 more seconds my world fell in.  My eyes went blood shot, teared up, itched like hell and started to swell shut.  At the same time, snot started streaming out of my nose and face.  I couldn’t breathe either.  I collapsed to the floor convinced I been stricken with plague.  Yes, that’s actually the thought that went through my head.

The exact thought that went through my head was, “Oh my God, I’ve come down with Black Plague and I’m going to die”.

I started crawling on my hands and knees for the hallway.  Willing myself one hand and knee forward at a time towards the phone and a 9-1-1 call.  I was almost to the doorway when a sound cut through my misery and into my consciousness.

It was a shout of what sounded like a war cry or yell of triumph.  But with a muffled or blurred tone to it. ‘What the hell?’....  Then I looked up and saw The Wheel walking up the steps.  With clenched fists raised over his head triumphantly.  Screaming “YAH – THAT’S RIGHT – YESSS!!!!”.   Wearing a gas mask.

A wave of relief washed over me.  “Ok, I’m not dying.  Wheel just tear gassed us.”

Along with the C-rations, Wheel also had a large mason jar filled with tear gas crystals.  The base had ordered him to dispose of these expired crystals and not knowing what to do with them, they wound up in our basement.

Mike, in a well planned revenge, donned a military gas mask, opened the jar, and removed several crystals.  He then dropped them into the vent ducts and turned on the furnace fan.  Fumigating the apartment.  The bastard!  Victory was his.

Post Script:

- Being given a jar of tear gas and ordered to dispose of it is not as unusual as it sounds.  As my agency’s Defensive Tactics Instructor I’m responsible for disposing of our agents’ outdated, military grade, OC spray canisters.  No instructions, no assistance, just told to get rid of them in a safe effective manner.  I had to go online (God bless Al Gore) and find a solution.  The best way to do it is don elbow length rubber gloves and submerge the canister in a bucket of water.  Then expel the entire contents in the water.  You have to be careful though.  If it’s a windy day a breeze can catch the bubbles popping up and blow them in your face.  You really don’t want that to happen.

- This wouldn’t be the last time I was tear gassed.  I also got gassed at boot camp.  They marched us into the gas chamber, had us remove our masks then recite our general orders.  I’ve also received several face fulls of OC spray at various law enforcement training. … BTW, if anyone ever plays ‘Would You Rather’ and asks, “Would you rather get a face full of tear gas or a face full of OC spray?”  Go with the tear gas.  It’ll incapacitate you but doesn’t hurt one tenth as bad as the OC.  That shit BURNS.  And its effects last for hours.